FUZZY PUPPY & FUZZY KITTY:
a solo performance
Once upon a time there was a fuzzy little puppy. He was the fuzziest puppy in the whole world. He was fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy. One day, the puppy met a kitty. The kitty was very fuzzy too.
The puppy thought to himself, “My goodness. That kitty is almost as fuzzy as I am. What I wouldn’t give to meet the fuzzy kitty. Oh the fun we would have being fuzzy together. We would drink coffee. We would walk in the park. We would hold paws. We would stay up late and eat popcorn. We would stop and smell the roses. We would stand in the rain and look up into the clouds. We would light candles and prepare elaborate dinners and invite our friends to eat with us. We would have a party that lasted for days and days. We would feed our friends and toast their health. They would laugh and dance and sing about how happy they were and how fuzzy we are. We would fall asleep with smiles on our fuzzy faces. I must speak with this kitty. I must make her acquaintance or I may live to regret my reticence.
And so the fuzzy puppy spoke with urgency, “Hail and well met. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking, for surely you must be the fuzziest of all the world’s kitties?”
The fuzzy kitty smiled ruefully to herself, “Ah, gentle fuzzy puppy. Stay your tongue and flee while you may. You look upon peril itself. My star is darkened with sorrow. My fate a short ride off a tall, steep cliff. Save yourself. I am not what I appear.”
“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how you could be anything but a delightful fuzzy kitty,” said the confused fuzzy puppy.
“Alas. I wish it were so simple. As an even younger kitty, I had such hopes. So many many dreams. And then one night... forgive me. I cannot speak of it.... HARK! The hour grows late. The sun sets! Save me fuzzy puppy! I am Undead!”
“Wait a minute, fuzzy kitty. Where are you going? Don’t leave me! Hey, I’m a coupla sandwiches short of a picnic. I’ve got problems too. Let’s work it out!”
But his words were drowned by LIGHTNING! THUNDER! DARKNESS! The kitty glowed a yellowish green. And then, before the puppy’s very eyes, the fuzzy kitty began to buck and snort. The fuzziness sprouted coarse tufts and unsightly mats. Her eyes popped. Her back hunched. Her teeth snaggled. Her skin began to ripple and roll with what must have been a pack of angry beavers fighting to get out. Convulsing, jerking, moaning, locked in a terrible inner battle, she managed to drag from her lips, “Fuh..zee... puh..pee... I luv you... can... not... save you... fly you fool... fly!”
And she was lost. Her lips clamped tight with a cold hard snap. Her eyes froze. A sudden, piercing gale blew the clouds free of the moon – revealing the kitty had turned into an eight foot tall DEMON CAT!
Fuzzy puppy thought to himself, “My fuzzy kitty has turned into a demon cat. But wait. What’s this? Some flying speck. Growing bigger. With terrible speed. Blocking the light of the moon. Eating the darkness with its ghastly tusks – a great wing-ed vampire pig!! Flown from hell to suck my blood and eat my soul and boss my darling fuzzy kitty around, making her fix him drinks and bar snacks and what not.” The huge beast hovered above my deformed kitty, sniffing her. And then, THE VAMPIRE PIG SPOKE! “This hell-cat stinks of LOVE! I HATE LOVE!! RUN FUZZY KITTY RUN!” Quick as spit, the vampire pig whirled on me... sunk it’s fat tusks into my fuzzy neck... but before it could drink my precious blood the fuzzy kitty bit the vampire pig in the butt. BETRAYAL! MUTINY FROM BELOW! AN ATTACK FROM THE RANKS OF HIS MINIONS! “THIS WILL NOT STAND!!” roared vampire pig – it opened its huge ugly mouth and BIT THE HEAD OFF MY FUZZY KITTY!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(until stomach hurts and can’t scream anymore)
Pig flies off. Horrible rage. Unsightly mess. Must catch pig. Avenge kitty. I flew after the pig. I had wings. I had teeth. I was cute and fuzzy no more. I was in the lust of blood. I flew after the foul pig like a black and vengeful storm. Into the mall. Past the Sears and the Macys. Past Spencer’s Gifts and Orange Julius and the Gap and Banana Republic. AH! AT LAST! THE HELL-BORN PIG CORNERED IN THE FOOD COURT!!
I turned into a 50-foot vampire snake with the power of speech. I raised up to the roof of the food court – a tremendous hooded king cobra I was - and LO! I SPOKE!! “FEEL MY FANGS WRETCHED SWINE!! GET THEE GONE TO THE BLACKEST PITS OF HEY-ELL!!!” With fell and terrible speed I struck. I ate the pig. Yet vengeance was not sweet... aiii yii yiiii...... my love... my fuzzy kitty..... Slowly, I put my snake tail in my snake mouth. Slowly, I began to eat my tail. Slowly, I devoured myself. And the world was done.
Deke Weaver is a writer, performer, video and graphic artist. Experimental theater, film/video, dance, and solo performance venues have presented Weaver’s interdisciplinary performances and videos in Russia, Brazil, Australia, Europe and the United States. A resident at Yaddo and Ucross, a four-time fellow at the MacDowell Colony, a three-time recipient of NEA regional film/video grants and a 2009 Creative Capital grantee, his work, described as “explosive” (San Francisco Weekly) and “brilliant” (The Village Voice) has “handcuffed a secure storytelling knack to a performance style that pushes the energy envelope toward hyperventilating madness” (Sidewalk.com). He also contributes film and video to dance and theater works in the U.S. and abroad. From 1999-2005 he was the Senior Animator for the Showtime Networks’ Broadcast Design Group. He is currently an associate professor in the School of Art and Design at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. www.unreliablebestiary.org